Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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