Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
