Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
