Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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