I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
