After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
3pm strippers are depressing
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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