You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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