well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
