my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
