Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
