My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I want a musical about memes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
