We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
