I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
