im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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