Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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