Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
