just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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