Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
