Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
