Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
