so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
