Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
