my phone needs a breathalizer
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
