I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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