Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
