The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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