She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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