I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
