I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
