R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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