Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
