thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
