I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
