I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
