I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
