I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
