I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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