Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
