My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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