Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
