You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
whose ass print is on the piano?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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