six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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