and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
