I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
