Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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