I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
