dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
