Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
why do cheetos always look like penises
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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