I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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