I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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