just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
